Today isn't shaping up to be a good one, but it's still early...

So this morning I'm weepy and super horny, only means one thing, my period is on her way. I hate that bitch. Took care of the horny part, for now, now sitting on the couch crying. Not sobbing, just a woe is me pity party cry.

It's funny, I have everything I need and mostly everything I want, my other wants are coming in pieces, different stages. I AM impatient though. I'm really ready for my house to be finished. It's getting there. My new stove arrives tomorrow and should be hooked up by the time I get home from work, I'm actually excited about that for some reason and then my new kitchen arrives on Friday. It's going to be a lot of work!!! But will be soooooo worth it!! I still haven't unpacked everything. I have lots of books and now I hate my bookshelves so I have nowhere to put them. I love books. Wish I had more time to read.

I need to go paint some doors, that's my "homework" for the weekend. I hate painting.

Tyler and I rode all over Polk County yesterday looking for a doggie to love. We are being very specific and picky this time and not letting anyone talk us into a dog we're not 100% in love with. We found a few at the SPCA but they had already been adopted. Two Dachsunds (sp?) and a Shitzu, two of the breeds we decided we wanted. Then of course Tyler fell in love with a German Shepard, unfortunately my home owner's insurance company would cancel me if I got him, sucks, he was a good boy.

Don't really feel like being around my family today but of course I'm expected to make an appearance at lunch. I feel like I just want to spend the day with me today, but I'll get a guilt trip if I ask for some alone time.

I want to go find some pretty, comfortable, really green grass somewhere and lay in the sun and wait for Edward to show up. LOL Although I think I'm too old for that kind of love and passion, right now I'd settle for a second income. HA! And that's so not true, I've turned that opportunity down a couple of times in the last few weeks... I am SO fucked up. I SAY I want a nice guy, just an all around nice guy, with a job, morals, manners, who is a gentleman, but THEN I find that, well, he's actually been around for many years, and I can't commit to him. If I was just attracted to him, even a little bit, I could probably work with that. But I'm not attracted, at all. And what's funny is he ISN'T A BAD LOOKING GUY!!!! AND he has a job! AND he has NEVER, not even ONCE let me pay for ANYTHING when we have gone out and in fact paid for Tyler last time we went out to lunch and the movies and got irritated that I even suggested picking up Tyler's part of everything!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? wtf is wrong with me?

Letting go

So last night he finally told me he hates me and would rather be alone for the rest of his life than be with me. I think those words would probably hurt most people, but oddly enough, that's what I needed to hear from him all along. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm finally free to let him go and move on. Granted, I haven't found anyone I want to move on to yet, but I haven't really been looking either, and actually have no intention of starting.

My next big project is finding a place for the boys and I to move to. I've decided I want a gated apartment community with a pool (or two), fitness room, basketball court, recreation room, etc. So I'm pretty excited to start looking. I can finally let go of "what if". What if we get back together and he doesn't like where we move and we have to move again? What if I wait it out and maybe we will get back together and then we can get an even nicer place? No more "what ifs", it's all me, like it has been since the day I decided I couldn't put up with my ex husband's drug addiction. I made that choice, all by myself and I knew how hard it would be (ok, I didn't know HOW hard, but I knew it would be hard) to raise two boys on my own. I've never had much of anything, but we've managed to get by and we'll keep on keeping on. I heard in a sermon once that some people will not have a partner here on earth, that has always stuck with me and I think I am one of those people, for whatever reason God chose, I believe he chose for me to be alone on earth, to struggle. At times when I'm able to accept this, life is bearable, other times I don't want to accept it and that's when I hurt.

Living where I do now has become very painful, way too many memories, I think the sooner we move, the better off I will be. Fresh new start. Once that happens there will be no turning back, no looking back. It will be free of the past and I will only be looking forward towards the future.

shacri

Missing him

I really don't care what any of you think of me for saying this, I miss him. I miss him every single day. I've been doing very well lately, but no matter how great everything in my life is, something is missing, him. My life is finally turning around, looking up, and I've managed to do that all by myself, which is a little scary to me but I'm so proud of myself at the same time. I want to share it with him though. And I KNOW every single BAD thing there is to know about him (even more than he knows I know...) and I still want him in my life. I don't know, however, in what capacity. I feel like I want to start from the beginning again, just be friends. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. As usual a lot of bad things were said, on both sides and now he won't even speak to me. I don't know why we insist on hurting each other so much.

shacri

Good Days

The past few days have been good days. See, I've learned a lot about narcissism and it is helping me let go of Sean more and more every day. In fact, it's not even painful when I think back about our relationship. He's a narcissist, he used me, he conned me, like he uses and cons everyone he comes in contact with. I learned that it's not ME!!! I didn't do anything wrong!!! That has been such a great relief, knowing I'M not the crazy one. Also learning that there is no help for a narcissit, no cure, has made me realize that no matter what, we never would have lasted anyway. I want to feel sad for him, but I can't. He is evil and I can't feel bad for evil. It's funny, weeks ago I would have been writing all of this out of pure meaness, hatred, spite, whatever. Today I can write it with no feelings of anything, no love, no hate, no feeling. It's awesome! I'm nowhere near the finish line in my recovery, but I am doing so much better than I was a couple of weeks ago. It's been a blessing knowing that recovery from a narcissistic relationship is different than recovery from a normal relationship. I just couldn't understand why it was so HARD to let it go, to move past it. Now I know, I was mindfucked and that takes time to heal. He did this to me for over 4 years so healing is not going to come overnight. Now that I know this and can accept it, it has been easier to let go, piece by piece.

shacri

Today is a bad day

Today started off ok enough. I got to sleep in which was nice. Piddled around the house, watched a couple of movies. Made a commitment to "stop Sean" today like I did when I "quit smoking". The second movie I watched was very painful and ended up making me cry and as I sit here typing this I am still crying.

You see, I still love him and I don't know why. I know that he and I are very bad for each other. We have different morals, values, beliefs, hopes and dreams. We were the most mismatched couple there ever was. Even so, I loved him deeply, with all my heart. I wish only the best for him and that has taken awhile for me to be able to say and really mean. I hope whatever journey he is on turns out the way he wants and that he IS happy. I think it hurts so bad because it wasn't me that made him happy. He rejected me. He left me. And it hurts so bad I can't even describe the pain. I felt physically safe with him (not emotionally) and comfortable. I don't know that I will ever feel THAT "comfortable" with anyone else ever and it devastates me to the point I don't even want to try, yet I don't want to be alone either, but I do, until the boys are grown and on their own, but I hate going to bed alone every night, making every life decision alone, being responsible for everything by myself, not having my best friend around. I'm torn, heartbroken, confused and lonely.

I'm going to focus on making the rest of the day a better day. Only I can choose how it will end.

The tears are starting to subside. Thanks for listening.

shacri

Today is a bad day

Today started off ok enough. I got to sleep in which was nice. Piddled around, watched a couple of movies. Made a commitment to "stop Sean" today like I did when I "quit smoking". The second movie I watched was very painful and ended up making me cry and as I sit here typing this I am still crying.

You see, I still love him and I don't know why. I know that he and I are very bad for each other. We have different morals, values, beliefs, hopes and dreams. We were the most mismatched couple there ever was. Even so, I loved him deeply, with all my heart. I wish only the best for him and that has taken awhile for me to be able to say and really mean. I hope whatever journey he is on turns out the way he wants and that he IS happy. What hurts is it wasn't me that made him happy. He rejected me. He left me. And it hurts so bad I can't even describe the pain.

Today is a bad day

Today started off ok enough. I got to sleep in which was nice. Piddled around, watched a couple of movies. Made a commitment to "stop Sean" today like