Today is a bad day

Today started off ok enough. I got to sleep in which was nice. Piddled around the house, watched a couple of movies. Made a commitment to "stop Sean" today like I did when I "quit smoking". The second movie I watched was very painful and ended up making me cry and as I sit here typing this I am still crying.

You see, I still love him and I don't know why. I know that he and I are very bad for each other. We have different morals, values, beliefs, hopes and dreams. We were the most mismatched couple there ever was. Even so, I loved him deeply, with all my heart. I wish only the best for him and that has taken awhile for me to be able to say and really mean. I hope whatever journey he is on turns out the way he wants and that he IS happy. I think it hurts so bad because it wasn't me that made him happy. He rejected me. He left me. And it hurts so bad I can't even describe the pain. I felt physically safe with him (not emotionally) and comfortable. I don't know that I will ever feel THAT "comfortable" with anyone else ever and it devastates me to the point I don't even want to try, yet I don't want to be alone either, but I do, until the boys are grown and on their own, but I hate going to bed alone every night, making every life decision alone, being responsible for everything by myself, not having my best friend around. I'm torn, heartbroken, confused and lonely.

I'm going to focus on making the rest of the day a better day. Only I can choose how it will end.

The tears are starting to subside. Thanks for listening.

shacri