Letting go

So last night he finally told me he hates me and would rather be alone for the rest of his life than be with me. I think those words would probably hurt most people, but oddly enough, that's what I needed to hear from him all along. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm finally free to let him go and move on. Granted, I haven't found anyone I want to move on to yet, but I haven't really been looking either, and actually have no intention of starting.

My next big project is finding a place for the boys and I to move to. I've decided I want a gated apartment community with a pool (or two), fitness room, basketball court, recreation room, etc. So I'm pretty excited to start looking. I can finally let go of "what if". What if we get back together and he doesn't like where we move and we have to move again? What if I wait it out and maybe we will get back together and then we can get an even nicer place? No more "what ifs", it's all me, like it has been since the day I decided I couldn't put up with my ex husband's drug addiction. I made that choice, all by myself and I knew how hard it would be (ok, I didn't know HOW hard, but I knew it would be hard) to raise two boys on my own. I've never had much of anything, but we've managed to get by and we'll keep on keeping on. I heard in a sermon once that some people will not have a partner here on earth, that has always stuck with me and I think I am one of those people, for whatever reason God chose, I believe he chose for me to be alone on earth, to struggle. At times when I'm able to accept this, life is bearable, other times I don't want to accept it and that's when I hurt.

Living where I do now has become very painful, way too many memories, I think the sooner we move, the better off I will be. Fresh new start. Once that happens there will be no turning back, no looking back. It will be free of the past and I will only be looking forward towards the future.

shacri